Yami Police
by Loki Seven
Summary: In a alternate universe, and reality. The three spirits, Yami, Bakura and Malik are lawmen. Today, the three just faces one of those days...


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"This is what you get, this is what you get.  
  
This is what you get, when you mess with us."  
  
Radiohead - 'Karma Police'  
  
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The sun rose higher and higher, until the clouds couldn't even reach its knees.  
  
Yami blinked, and moaned in frustration as an imaginary rooster* crowed in his mind. He quietly opened his eyes, and faced a naked woman, barely covered with budget-sewn cotton rags. Smiling, he quietly whimpered when his feet touched the cold, hardwood floor. His room was clean, although it didn't seem to make much of an effort keeping it that way.  
  
* - Every adult has a 'Heyeyheygetupgetupupgetupnownownownownow!!!!!!' alarm within their brain. The key to survive their harsh occupation, without the mere annoyance of a 'BEEP!!!' sound everyday. Although it takes time to master this technique, everybody prefers to be late on work, rather than be woken up by a repeated MIDI sound.  
  
He sniffed the atmosphere, and smelled the true bliss of bacon.  
  
With that, he flung open the door, and found out the two evils, Malik and Bakura in the dining room. Only that they were preferred to be called roommates. A greasy plate in front of him was empty.  
  
"Damn! Any bacon left?" Yami desperately asked.  
  
"I thought you had plenty of meat last night, so I didn't bother with your share." Bakura grinned, as he sucked on the last piece.  
  
Yami snickered with poor sarcasm, as the door creaked open. Serenity quietly sat down, adjusted her bra, and quietly looked for any food. Bakura politely pointed the heap of scrambled eggs on the plate. Serenity thankfully accepted the glittering cuisine, and accepted the orange juice carton from Bakura. Malik ignored everything within his sight, except the salty dish in front of him. Yami cringed, he HATED eggs.  
  
"You know" -- pausing to devour the scrambled eggs -- "I've never met...."  
  
"Ryou, call me Bakura please," taking her hand and planting a small kiss.  
  
"He's gay," Yami snapped.  
  
"Bisexual actually," Malik corrected.  
  
Serenity snickered while Bakura happily tickled her loins. At the sight of this, Yami couldn't hold it any longer. If Yami had created a list of the things he hated. Bakura would be written by forging his signature.  
  
"Let's go already! Duty calls," Yami declared. Half-naked while holding his uniform.  
  
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(((We got a person disturbing the peace in 42 Gunfrute Avenue, over.)))  
  
Yami sighed in satisfaction, wiping the yesterday-donut crumbs from his mouth. It was a short drive from here to the destination that the law requested. Within five minutes, the scenery accurately fitted the bowels of New York, crossbred with the streets of Los Angeles. Graffiti, steel barrels and bruised prostitutes filled scene. The pavement was chipped to hell, potholes were placed like landmines, and the air redefined the word 'rancid'. By looking around, the three spirits stared at an African- American screaming loudly.  
  
"Great, we should really gamble next time how many crimes are reported in a day at the projects." Bakura grumbled, polishing his revolver.  
  
"No, we're not trying to kill this guy, understood?" Yami reminded.  
  
"Oh, look at dat, it's the pigs! It's bacon-making time!" The offender shouted.  
  
"Sticks and stones may break my bones!.." -- Bakura angrily shouted back - "But oh *crap!* He's got a *gun*! Get DOWN!"  
  
With that, the left and back window was shattered after two fired shots from a 9mm. Great, Bakura thought, just your regular day of benefits of helping the law. Malik whimpered, and dived down inside the car. Yami quickly pulled evasive* maneuvers, and signaled Bakura to take aim. After a few seconds, the offender screamed, and desperately clutched his right hand. Yami, pushing his foot against the pedal, drove at an incredible speed. Exited the door, and pushed the criminal against the wall. Bakura proceeded to blow the imaginary smoke* from the gun's barrel.  
  
* - Not that this is necessary for the occupation, but it looks so damn cool.  
  
"You are under arrest for violating the peace, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon.."  
  
"Ah, Malik, enough with the police jargon. We finally kicked some ass for, like in, three weeks!" Bakura pointed out, reloading his firearm, and setting the safety on. "Let's just put this putrid jackass into custody, and enjoy a fine cup of coffee."  
  
"Yeah, and I'm buying. All that driving made me caffeine-dependant," Yami grinned, as he shoved the man in the back-seat next to Bakura, which that was intentional.  
  
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"Wait, how the hell did you score another one?" Bakura asked.  
  
Yami calmly sipped his black coffee without breathing out, and grinned menacingly towards the white-haired male in pride.  
  
"What can I say? I am of the few that possesses a great amount of sex appeal."  
  
"Or, she screwed you as a trade for a simple speeding ticket," Malik coldly accused. "Maybe pity-screwed you because you are such a pushover."  
  
"Me? I am anything BUT a pushover."  
  
"Anything eh? Like an impudent, old, dissolving joke?  
  
"You know, it's so delightful for you two girls to fight over a simple girl," Bakura admitted.  
  
"Besides Malik, when was the last time that YOU got a piece?" Yami bitterly questioned.  
  
"I don't need women as proof of my many accomplishments." Malik sensibly replied. "Nor that I need the taste of them as a proof of my manhood."  
  
"Oh, yes. I am quite jealous of your everlasting virginhood. Especially that I.."  
  
"'Virginhood' is not a whole word, Yami.." Bakura corrected.  
  
The white-haired tomb robber grinned as Yami's face turned from pink to red. He sourly drank the rest of his beverage, and quietly headed over to their squad car. He bitterly answered the radio, and gently placed it back inside the vehicle.  
  
"Let's hurry up, shall we? As crime never rests," Yami enlightened.  
  
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"So what's this about?"  
  
"It seems that someone is.. How shall this be put.. Oh yes.. Getting away from a bank heist." Yami answered.  
  
"My, *my*, pharaoh, your choice of words turns me on." Bakura sarcastically teased.  
  
"Oh, what I wouldn't give if both of you only asked 'Are we there yet?' while I'm driving this vehicle," Yami wished.  
  
"There! Turn right!" Malik pointed, and activated the 'classic' police siren.  
  
The vehicle that the three spirits was chasing was no small step. It was a race car, with the works. Malik hinted that they were handling a 95' Jaguar Roadrunner,* with a turbo, and a NOS boosting system that could be bought with a fortune, plus also some shiny diamonds as a collateral gift.  
  
Yami hinted Bakura to take aim again, and gently took the safety off. He struggled to position himself, and rapidly fired. Within the recoil, his hand was grated among the broken glass since that accident an hour ago. Bakura screamed and cursed as he told his firearm to aim properly, and with two shots, he managed to pop the two back tires of the convertible.  
  
Within that, Yami slowed down at the chase. The motorway wasn't filled with business executives yet, although Bakura wished that he took some casualties as well, after his hand being sliced and all. The enemy car struggled to a halt, as three thugs walked out of the vehicle, preparing to exit, stage right. Yami skidded and pulled over between ten inches of the first thug's torso. Quickly got out of the car, and cocked his Semi- Automatic.  
  
"Freeze!"  
  
The thugs froze, and without any hesitation, generously would follow any command except *not* getting harmed in any way.  
  
"Can I shoot them?" Bakura asked friendly. Yami turned as he was pointing to his bleeding hand.  
  
"Wait! That's no fair.." The first thug protested.  
  
"Rest assured, we will not harm you in any way, unless you choose resist us." Yami assured.  
  
With that, Malik quickly cuffed the villains, and dragged each one of them into the squad car. Bakura snorted as he tightened his handkerchief around the wound, and again, reloaded his gun to full capacity. He thought about putting the safety off, however, it was necessary.* Bakura opened the door, and sat tightly with the captured. The thugs nervously stared at Bakura, sensing any kind of violent move that he could make.  
  
* - Bakura usually placed his gun against the elastic of his pants, and pointed downward to his crotch. Within a bump, well..  
  
"Have you ever heard of the Russian Gulag?" Bakura, crushing the ice with a bazooka.  
  
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After Bakura being patched up at the nearest police station, the three split for some everyday jobs they always did. Yami patrolled the car parks for any kind of vehicle that violated any kind of parking rule. Malik walked about the nearest mall looking for thieves and alike. While Bakura scouted for any kind of drug hideout in the projects.  
  
Within three hours, they found nothing. They all declared, that it was time for lunch, even perhaps a duel.*  
  
* Except, Yami usually didn't play with Malik. Malik had an uncanny ability to forge various cards which usually took him to attack only *once*+ during a regular battle, and win.  
  
+ - Yami knew that Malik was cheating at various times when this is done. For example, when he stared at his 'Soviet Union' monster card. After the brief command, "Life points, attack Yami directly!!!" it was safe to say that a comeback was impossible.  
  
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"Hey ~ Yami."  
  
The pharaoh looked down to face Tea, while she was reaching for the salt shaker. Yami blushed, as Tea's magnificent cleavage demanded his attention. Within that, Tea smoothly planted her phone number in Yami's breast pocket, as well sliding her hands up his semi-automatic, which fortunately for him, was placed on his lap. Malik cringed, as Bakura futilely tried to trap a fly with his chopsticks.  
  
"Skank," Malik pointed out.  
  
Tea struck a tongue out towards Malik's eye, proceeded to shake her backside at Yami's eyes, and walked away to join her table once more.  
  
"You obviously not interested in her, are you?" Malik questioned Yami's loyalty.  
  
"Of course, Serenity i.. OH DEAR." Yami interrupted.  
  
"What was that? You're a sex-crazed maniac and controlled by mere females?" Bakura grinned.  
  
With that, Yami laughed briefly, and continued to stare at Tea's direction. Malik quietly sneaked, and stole the last half of his chicken sandwich, and ate it quickly. After a few minutes, Yami stared down at his empty plate, and faced Malik. Who belched uncontrollably at Yami's eyes.  
  
"Well.. er.. that was quite a wonderful lunch," Yami concluded.  
  
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"A hostage situation! Now, THIS is work."  
  
Bakura enthusiasm was covered by his great care of the revolver which was cleaned thoroughly. Malik quietly prepared for any kind of diplomatic techniques which would put the gang in the advantage. Yami gritted his teeth as the fear of killing many casualties lied squarely on his shoulders. The building which the situation took place, was the nearest Stop-N'-Shop store, which was unfortunately, twenty miles away from the police station. With direct orders, Yami was held for any kind of reward in this job. He, somehow, knew that Malik or Bakura or even both of them, would screw up any kind of remote chance of solving this case.  
  
It was also his birthday today, which still didn't affect the case whatsoever..  
  
"So, Malik plays the negotiator.." Yami started.  
  
"Wait, why don't I do it? I have a way with words, after all." Bakura offered.  
  
"Yes, after you shoot them. After you shoot them *dead*." Malik reminded. "If someone wants a peaceful solution, I'm your man."  
  
Yami nodded, as he took this situation especially seriously. This was a HOSTAGE situation, and they were a few civilians at risk. The overall message was, never to shoot anybody, unless they do it first. Yami was troubled with this situation, since the negotiator wasn't really a peaceful man at heart.  
  
At the scene, the three stepped out. Yami prepared himself with the sniper rifle, just incase the offender started to go trigger-happy around his two, and only, allies. The store was quite crowded, and managed to drag a few children in there as well. The man was tall, and held a desert eagle aimed at a young adult. Bakura and Malik adjusted their mikes, and briefly tested to insure it was functioning correctly.  
  
Yami focused his scope, and became aware that the hostage was none other than Serenity, while the criminal proceeded to lick her peach skin. Serenity screamed for assistance, and within a gasp, he quickly aimed the crosshair to the abuser's forehead.  
  
"Okay, I want.."  
  
SNH, SNH.  
  
The silenced gunfire popped the man's head like a burst tomato. Blood splashed over Serenity's body, as well giving a soft scream at the sight of it. Bakura and Malik were quite surprised at the magnitude of extreme action that Yami had taken. Instead of a proper negotiation, even making a decent offer, the spirit decided that vengeance was the big word of the moment.  
  
Serenity cried, as well a few witnesses froze still. Yami, adjusting his gun, reloaded the rifle, and clicked the safety on. When the body crashed on the floor, many parents covered the eyes of the pre-teens. Malik immediately charged at Yami. With this action, the negotiator connected a shoulder charge into Yami's torso. Yami grunted, as an enraged Malik shouted orders to his face.  
  
"What the hell? YOU SAID NOT TO SHOOT ON SIGHT!!"  
  
Yami shoved Malik back, and taking the radio in his hand, reported the case. After that, he, again, shoved Malik back, and rushed to the aid of Serenity. Bakura, forcefully, carried Serenity while, Yami questioned her. Within a murmur, Yami was quite relieved.  
  
Malik spat on the concrete, and shoved the car door open for his ally's treasured guest.  
  
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Yami quietly meditated outside of his apartment. After today, he quietly thought about the things he done today. He arrested some folk, but most importantly, he *killed* someone. But, he thought, that bastard deserved it. He FUCKING deserved to be FUCKING shot in FUCKING cold blood. He cursed under his breath. Something like this could ruin a man's career, but he didn't care. All he regretted that he didn't shoot that FUCKING bastard after he was dead. Maybe even chop his body and..  
  
"Happy birthday, you spineless coward."  
  
Yami smiled, and faced Bakura. It was worrying, considering he was smiling as well. He looked down to see a cake, personally signed by the tomb-robber himself. With graceful icing lettering, it simple read 'HapbY BiBtHdaYi DomB ASSS'. Yami laughed in pride, as not many people would get an insult cake from Bakura himself. While savoring this heartfelt gift, Yami grabbed a chunk out of the cake, and pressed it against Bakura's face.  
  
They both sniggered with satisfaction.  
  
"Come on, you dolt! You would think that we, under this same roof, forget something special as your birth date?" Bakura complimented.  
  
"No, but I would expect fatal gifts, not" - Yami took another chunk out of the cake, and savagely stuffed it in his mouth - "bakng mea a FRGGGGN' ceke."  
  
With that, he stared at Serenity, standing beside Bakura on the porch. Malik smiled as he produced a roman candle, and lit it. Within a few moments, it erupted into a thousand sparks, each as bright as a supernova. After that moment, Serenity snuggled Yami with all her might. Although to the common man it might find hurtful, Yami planted his lips with Serenity's, cutting off any uncomforting sensation.  
  
The couple quietly headed to their bedroom, ignoring any kind of bother that the world planned on them.  
  
Fin.  
  
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Hope everybody enjoyed that piece of text! Any kind of fanmail, hatemail, and Family Guy one-liners, please send them to loki3seven@hotmail.com 


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